[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
You Might Also Like
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Breaking news:
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE