My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
You Might Also Like
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.