For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
this is me
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I don’t think my car can fly
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN