Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.