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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
WTF IS THAT!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”