Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Finally!
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes