wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive