Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I feel it
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”