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I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
screw you
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.