[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.