A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.