adam and eve had first world problems
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.