ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.