When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
as is their right
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.