Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
You Might Also Like
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.