I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours