My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Who knew!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!