“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.