Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably