me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
You Might Also Like
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
This is my emotional support knife.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.