HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
What flavor cupcake are these
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
The struggle is real