Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You Might Also Like
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”