It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
inventing words: clothing
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?