There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
San Francisco has too many rules
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Just a reminder, folks:
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.