I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
You Might Also Like
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
White Castle for the Win
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
They also CAN sing✌️