Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P