if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.