Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Birds & Planes.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.