Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir