DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
You Might Also Like
A friend helps you before you need it
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario