Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
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DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius