How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Merry Christmas
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
See..?
.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?