I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.