*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.