Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Velcrow
I get distracted pretty eas
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.