My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Had an epiphany today.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope