Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
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Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive