Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)