Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Oh my God.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus