I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”