I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
There are usually two types of merchants.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.