20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
#Caturday
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Google reviews are always so mixed..
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes