I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I have a type: disappointing
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?