why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
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I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.