me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
That lamp looks PISSED.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww