If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone