Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.