NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I love you…
…r dog.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.