MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
それは草
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!