I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
i want to work in this restaurant